Stop Supporting An Alcoholic Partner
92![By Keven Law [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (www.creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons](http://s3.hubimg.com/u/4171722_f520.jpg "By Keven Law [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (www.creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons")
The best support sometimes is no support at all.
You may have difficulty hearing this but the alcoholic's first love is not you - it's the aclohol and you are facilitating their addiction lifestyle because you can put up with it.
When you have lived with an alcoholic partner for years and your feathers are somewhat ruffled, what do you tell yourself? If you think he or she will change or that you are there to help stop their addiction, it's time to think again.
There comes a time when you must let your partner prove that YOU and the family - what really matters - come before alcohol. As hard as it might be, it's time to do things differently, otherwise you will keep getting the same results.
As the old saying goes, madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Unfortunately, someone with an addiction only loves the substance they are addicted to until they realize and treat this illness. This can only happen when you withdraw support.
I didn't want to accept this but at some point in time you have to face reality - the best support sometimes is to withdraw your support.
An alcoholic finds a partner like you very convenient. You will pick up the pieces, stand by them, put up with their crap when others would have walked away ages ago. You continue to tolerate the crazy ride in their wagon - a wagon whose only destination is to find the next drink.
Al-anon, explained this to me once. Partners of alcoholics are often enablers - givers who have been targeted because they tolerate so much more than others. The giving, however, is preventing your partner from seeing reality. The giving is not reciprocated - but ask yourself what if it was?
My advice here is to stop trying to solve the alcoholic's problems, stop trying to help and start opening your eyes to what you've always known is true and real before your partners addiction distorted your life and your thinking to keep you on the treadmill of their addiction.
If you have children it's even more important to change your habit of supporting someone who depends on alcohol to deal with life's stresses. It's time to stop picking up the pieces and cleaning up the mess made by an alcoholic partner. If you want to help - it's time to help them see the hell they've created by their single-minded and overriding need to get another drink.
Help them see what life's priorities should look like.
Real support and learning comes from allowing your partner the gift of seeing the consequences of their addiction rather than letting it continue consequence free as they continue to make drink their priority in life over everything else.
So if you continue to do the same crap you will keep getting the same crap! You know it's really insane but you're hanging in. For what? Out of fear? You must deal with this by focussing on what you love. Forget fear!
The point is the alcoholic will never understand how their drinking affects the people around them especially if you continue to keep it all together against the odds. You must stop trying to be the superhero who saves the alcoholics life and despite all the alcoholic has told you about how you are to blame and how bad you are - its just an excuse. Don't give it to them. Have faith, because stories abound of alcoholics wanting their partners back after they've left.
You might see yourself as undeserving so you go out of your way to be kind to this person, you love the alcoholic but to tell you the truth you are only delaying their development and YOURS. If you love the alcoholic you must allow them to see the consequences of what their addiction is doing to your life and that of your children. You must, in other words, stop doing so much and being dependent on the alcoholic's need for someone to be always there for them while they continue to wreak havoc.
And when you do realize you must stop this co-dependency - don't look back, forge ahead, stay on track and you and the alcoholic will develop further - don't rob the alcoholic of this development.
You will actually be doing everyone a favour - your alcoholic partner and yourself.
Instead of the tired old habits of you trying to change your partner - the arguments, the pleading, the excuses the unbelievable stress of it, new realizations will come into your life and it will feel like a great weight has been lifted from your shoulders.
This is the time to flee from hate, recriminations, bitterness, resentment and anger and to stay in a loving feeling - be in love with your new life.
Don't lose that loving feeling! It's time!
Further Reading
- Married to, Living with an Alcoholic or Addict
This is one of the best articles I've found on living with an alcoholic. - Addiction Solution
Lets see if we can find a solution to your drug or alcohol addiction. I want to try to spell out a few ways I think would help you with an addiction solution. First off, you must ask yourself, do you really... - Functional Alcoholic Definition
Am I a Functioning Alcoholic? What is a functional alcoholic? Is it possible to be an alcoholic and still a functional member of society with a job and a family, etc.? Opinions are split on the questions but... - Addiction And Relationships
In this day and age, many people find it hard just adjusting to a new relationship, never less living with someone that has an addiction. Addiction and relationships are running high in our society these... - Personality of an Alcoholic
One of the personality traits of an Alcoholic is denial; they dont usually admit that they are alcoholics because they dont want to have a reason to stop or even minimize drinking; theyre...
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Hello, my wife died in my arms from the effects of alcohol at the age of 43. Alcohol problems creep up on you and if you ignore the symptoms you may well be placing your life in danger. My wife's deterioration over a period of about 6 years was the stuff of nightmares. The effects on my wife’s body were awful and she became virtually unrecognizable. Finger nails and toenails just fell away. Her skin was coming away from her body and falling on to the floor she was covered in sores and I had to cover her in grease every night. Can you imagine being covered in grease and then putting your clothes over this.
Is your wife or husband or partner craving for alcohol and drinking far too much?
What a familiar tale this is. I married Marion in 1979 at that that time I was in business as an office equipment company in the United Kingdom. Marion was from a banking background and was very good with figures and seeing that we got paid on time. How lucky was I, here I have a potential partner in life who has worked for a major British Bank and who is very good at finance. WOW well lucky me and I said to her would you like to be the company secretary and she agreed.
So let’s think about this my wife has great monetary skills and she has joined my company. All sounds great so far, yes.
When my wife joined my company she soon found out that she had much more freedom than she ever dreamed of. I can remember in the first few weeks there we were on the beach soaking up the sunshine and Marion turned to me and said “if they could see me now” here I am on the beach doing nothing but relaxing while they are all in the bank working away.
My wife and I worked very well together and although many people say that working with your spouse is maybe not a good idea let me tell you that working with Marion was absolutely great and I loved every minute spent with her. This was the perfect situation we loved each other intensely and we lived for one another.
At the time that Marion and I got together I lived over the business, Yes it was a flat albeit rather small and we lived there, hmm talk about living on the job but it worked OK. This was 1989 and the business had only started in 1984 so expenses were still being kept to a minimum. It takes a while to start a business and a lot more time to make it successful as you will probably know.
Then came the business lunches at the hotel across the road, now how cool is that. Marion soon found out that she could have whatever she wanted and of course this included alcohol. Not alone were these meals at dinnertime but also after work from 6-00pm for as long as we liked and beyond midnight.
I have always taken alcohol moderately but Marion’s intake of alcohol was increasing and I did not notice this at the time. So the years passed and we purchased our house together which was a small bungalow in South East England.
As the Internet developed we found that working from home was a real possibility after all why pay for premises when you do not need them. So OK we instantly saved money and a lot of it because we could now show our products on the Internet. Sounds great so far yes.
Well no because my wife’s drinking was now being done at home and she was now drinking far more than she should. She was out of my site for long periods and was constantly asking me to bring alcoholic drinks home. At first I thought well she seems OK but after a while she was not alright as the drinking increased and the food intake stopped.
Watch for the tell tale signs and do not ignore them as I did.
A painful story.
If you want to read more you can always visit my website
I feel your pain Cs 46 NO one really knows what the partner of an alcoholic goes through - a relationship is supposed to alleviate our loneliness because we have found someone who understands - but the alcoholic you are with may never comprehend and what hurts I think is this is the person who is supposed to understand YOU best - this is what destroys it - you are lonely anyway because what you've been put through cannot be appreciated by the alcoholic - thank-you for your comments
I have struggled through ten years of hell with my alcoholic husband. All I can say its been a living nightmare. He has been totally selfish abusive unreliable and dangerous destroying everyone close to him. I have 3 children and have lied for him watched him loose job after job and put our family home at risk. I work full time and take every inch of responsibility for the home and children, even though he earns 4times my salary he still blows all his money by the middle of the month ending up borrowing from me.
New year was the last straw when he humiliated me and abused me in front of friends calling me thick and stupid ( i completed my degree with top grades with a new baby and an alcoholic husband to look after). I ended up crying myself to sleep whilst he was drinking champagne eating my cooked food until he passed out of course no apologies only another excuse to go
on a 3 day bender again. All my fault of course. This incident it not isolated and extremely small in comparison to others.... But finally the lightbulb moment I can't live like this anymore I am worth so much more and I have never been so bitter and angry in my life. How dare someone destroy supposed loved ones including children lives without so much as a sorry !!! Folks I'm on my way to a solicitors to file for a very long awaited divorce and here my life begins. If any of you reading this meets or falls for an alcoholic run as fast as you can and don't stop running otherwise it will ruin yours and everyone they meet lives ! Happy days to come !
Assigning blame is a difficult one - do you blame the addict or their parent or childhood - it has been said too that addicts have a habit of finding excuses for their behaviour - if see yourself as a 'victim' you can get away with a lot more behaviour others see as otherwise irresponsible.Thanks for dropping in hinazille.
its really heartbreaking to those around the alcoholic so much so that it can wrench families apart... having said that, how much blame can you attribute to the drinker?
thanks the Clean Life, I feel very privileged to have such a respected person comment on my hub. You make a valid point about not being forced to quit - that seems to be a common theme for alcoholics - it is important I feel to look at the root cause of this psychological dilemma. As a partner of an alcoholic one can feel very much forced into a life not of one's making - the alcoholic needs to feel like no-one is forcing them but it is extremely tiring - and I mean EXTREMELY - for a partner to patiently wait for this person who cannot be forced to quit while life is passing by or even being ruined in the process of waiting for the "wake up". These psychological dramas - of not being forced - need to be looked at. I suspect they start in childhood where parents can be overstrict and controlling bringing out the rebellious in a person who wants much need self-determination. I wonder if an alcoholic is a person who never got the respect and self-determination they deserved. There is a really important lesson there especially since the cause of the problem is not of the partner's making even though the alcoholic may identify their partner as restrictive of them. I hope that makes sense to you.
Well you have hit the nail on the head. I can relate to every word and how I never saw just what was happeing to my life and the misery I was giving my wife and children. When an alcohol drinks they are totally blinded to the outside world and only focus on that next drink. That is such a shame to miss out on life and your family all do to being addicted. I say this because it was me over one year ago. I was fortunate that my wife hung in there all those years because I think she knew I had it in my to quit drinking , it was just a matter of time when.
Thank God she waited and I finally saw the light over a year ago and surrender to my addiction only because I was THEN READY TO QUIT and not forced to quit.
Im glad you could use the link for this, Thank You!
Facing their problem is harder when you keep being there for the alcoholic partner - it's only when you take away your support that they can face the consequences of their addiction - otherwise they keep getting away with it. This is the attitude I have, by hard experience, been forced to acknowledge because for years nothing has worked to change things. I'm glad to hear your daughter is better now. Thanks for the comment.
Many people need to read this hub. My daughter is just recently divorced from and alcoholic partner. She faced every issue you mentioned there. There was no hope for their marriage because he does not want to face his problem. In his eyes everything is always her fault.
He left her and she took him back once. The second time he left and wanted to come back was the end. She wasn't putting her children or herself through that again. For sixteen years she tried to keep life on an even keel with no help from him. It has been difficult especially for their youngest child, but their life is much better now.
Thanks for sharing this. I hope the people who need to read/hear it find it. It will give them the support they need.
Great comment. Thank-you Lee74 - it took a while for me to understand this.
Couldn't agree more. You can do nothing for an alcoholic, which I know from experience. It is up to him, or her, to kick the habit. Sometimes the best and kindest help you can give someone is absolutely none at all.
psychicdog.net Hub Author 3 weeks ago
John, thanks so much for sharing your story. You have been through a lot and your comment so well highlights our struggle with the ones we love or have loved - how it crept up, our lack of awareness of the problem, the compulsive demands for more drink, continually trying to please a sick partner, the dangers and the price paid for doing this. Let me tell you others CAN relate to what you have been through - the nightmare as you call it. I hope you can gain some comfort from knowing this - YOU ARE NOT ALONE.